Joshua-Sakuraba

My oldest sister is mentally slow, and everyone treats her like she can’t comprehend anything, when I know for a fact she can. To her face, she’s someone you must watch your words with, behind her back, my family rips every habit of hers, ever little action, into pieces and subjects them to heavy criticism. How can someone have it both ways? If there’s cause for concern to her face, shouldn’t a gentle approach be taken at all times?

My oldest brother, has made several mistakes, he has all his life. Dad was not the best to him, belts and wooden spoons sting, but it did more than that. Struck by a car, bullied, he went through a lot. So why now, that he’s graduating school, is he still the family mistake? He may have moved miles and miles away from home, but maybe that’s best. His wife may not be the best for him, but that is his choice. Why must you ridicule him?

My older sister has made worse mistakes, Meth, Cocaine, everything in between. She fell in love with a person who feels to belittle others is to make thy self bigger. Stupid, worthless, desperate, she’s heard it so much she believes it herself. Fat, ugly, every day is the same. She was my idol, I looked up to her growing up, but Mom and Dad assured me never to be her, and I never understood… Until I learned the truth. She’s beautiful; she’s witty, and smart. I see it, but she can’t… I couldn’t go a week staying with her without being her shoulder to cry on. Mid thirties, who would have thought self-conscious thoughts could stalk you there?

My older brother was the attacker, the one who he himself felt he was broken, and to fit in he had to break others. Growing up was a nightmare, his mother running and leaving him with our father, she ran because she knew. He was kicked out of school so often, he started breaking back in just to see his friends. The drugs wrecked his mind, and knocked him down several levels, and he too, with my older sister, left when I was four. I grew up thinking they were my mysterious, cool older siblings, but little did I know in another state, eight hours away, were they losing everything. Their home, their minds, their dignity. They built it back up, and are doing well with their own daughter. But at what cost?

Then there’s me, the youngest of five, with just half siblings. Two with my Dad, and two with my Mom. My Dad, the one who mentally and physically abused and corrupted my brothers; my Mom, who after having her husband leave for another girl, took to alcohol, who knew they could come together? The alcohol remains, as does the anger, but everything is dull. My siblings, the screw ups, all aren't worth a phone call, I’m all that’s left to them. But what’s left for me? Compared to my siblings who deserved all the help in the world and never got it, what does my unexplainable depression, and my transgender nature, mean to my parents? Something they don’t, no, refuse, to understand. My depression is caused by the shows I watch, 2D Japan produced animation, among other popular shows in the crowd these days. It’s the only thing that explains my depression, my irregular sleep, my stress and anxiety. Compared to my siblings, the ones my parents would like to forget, I couldn’t disappoint them like that, I can’t be broken, defective. So I smile, I joke at any time, over anything, so people don’t know a uncomfortable darkness is suffocating me inside. That hearing my real name shouted in a crowded room is almost enough to bring me to tears. I’m of age, I thought I could reach out to other people, get some support I can’t get from my parents, who can’t support each other. But no… I’m everyone’s support. I must have super human strength, because holding my head up is becoming so painfully hard, that to do it for other people is rather impressive. No one bothers to try and get the point out from me, because I don’t give the first time. Many, if I ask, will agree to not worry about me, to not ask anymore. I’m everyone’s support, I’m the brilliance in the family that can’t afford to go anywhere, or so they say. I’m the kindness that only exists because if I was cruel, I would have nothing inside but choking black smoke of anxiety, stress, and anger. Awful, screaming anger I’ve asked for help controlling time and time again. But I don’t want to die, so I’m not the rushed case. I’m the one with the memory, I remember birthdays, holidays, specific details, what someone said they liked if they’re upset so I can cheer them up. I’m the special one that can learn Japanese, converse about the world’s happenings, the one to uphold the family. How can I, when I’m put down by my mother; I’m a bitch, I’m retarded, when I’m emotional I’m unreasonable. By my father; I’m making things overly complicated for no reason, I know how to twist them to my will like a dictator, I’m overly lazy when I sleep until two, because I was up all night and finally willed myself to sleep. By the people around me, I’m too rash, I over think, I over care. But when I tone it down, I’m cold, and nobody wants me to be uncaring, because it’s ‘the best thing about me’.

Ah, oh wait, this isn't how it’s supposed to go.

Hajimemashite! Watashi no namae wa Joshua desu. Jyuu roku sai desu. Shyumi wa Kyuu Dou desu. Douzo yoroshiku onegaishimasu. I have two half-sisters, and two half-brothers. My older brother and sister have a daughter, but they aren’t blood related! My mom came from a previous marriage with two daughters, and my Dad came from one with two sons, and my Mom and Dad are not married. So when people say I’m a bastard, I can just agree~ my oldest brother lives in Texas with his wife, but she’s insufferable. My oldest sister lives with my Mom’s Ex’s grandmother; I don’t see or talk to her much. My older brother and older sister are super cool, especially my bro! Over all, I’m known as the family comedy king, I made a cousin of mine over twenty years old roll on the floor! That was a good day. I love anime and video games too! I have a beautiful girlfriend, been together nearly two years! Super proud. Well, that’s all you ever need to know about me. Sayonara~ 

Hajimemashite       Watashi no namae wa Joshua desu.  Jyuu roku sai desu.    Shyumi wa kyuu dou desu.  Douzo Yoroshiku Onegaishimasu 
(Nice to meet you)       (My name is Joshua)                 (I'm 16 years old)    (My hobby is archery)        (Thank you for your time)